Last week, in “So how often are you guys doing it?” – I touched on a sensitive topic – how often you are intimate with your partner and the notion that sex is the glue that can keep your relationship strong and vibrant.
Alright fellas, I have assembled a team of your romantic, sexually satisfied peers to share their wealth of knowledge about intimacy, sex and relationship enhancers. (ladies – insert your jokes here)
Many frustrated lovers claim their partner “never wants to do it anymore” or “I can jump through all the hoops and I’m still rejected” or the ever popular “no matter what I do, it’s never enough.”
There can be many reasons for no boom boom in the bedroom; negative body image, decreased libido, poor communication, performance anxiety, resentment and/or flat our fatigue. These reasons, real or perceived, need to be examined.
Since, you have the power to always choose your reaction to any situation, stop pointing the finger at your partner. There are many things that YOU can do to help reignite some horizontal passion.
First of all, if you sense body trouble, go to the doctor. Get yourselves checked out. If you can rule out the body as a libido/sex zapper, then you can focus all your energy on the things you can change.
1. Talk to each other. This is #1. Make time to reconnect. Our lives are busier than ever with our over scheduled kids and our own commitments. How can you ever be intimate if you are ships passing in the night? Set aside time to talk as partners, not parents. Be vulnerable. How much sex do you both need? Try to have an honest talk about your needs and her needs. Is it once a week? Twice? 5? More? Take it easy Ron Jeremy.
2. Date Nights. Hire the darn babysitter and invest in your relationship. Stop saying you can’t afford it, divorce is way more expensive. Hint – while on date night, don’t talk about the kids – pretend you don’t have kids. Talk about what you liked about your last bedroom romp and future romps. Reclaim the passion of just you two crazy lovers!
3. Plan for sex. Some couples PLAN and schedule sex; written (in code) on the family calendar right below soccer practice and ballet. Perhaps it’s a scarf on the lamp that indicates a desire for passion tonight. Does that zap the spontaneity of sex? Maybe, or does it build anticipation? Couples I talked to LOVE it, spending the day sending loving and sexy messages to each other… (I have a married friend that has sexting related carpal tunnel syndrome and he has never been happier)
4. Lose the sense of entitlement. Just cause you are together doesn’t mean you “OWE” each other sex. Yes, one of you might be working long hours out of the house, but the other is likely working long unpaid hours in the house. Respect the value in each others roles. Wanna never have sex again? Try this gem, “the house is still dirty, you were home all day, what happened? (I’ll tell you what will happen – justified homicide…)
5. Stop the 10 o’clock shoulder tap. You know what I mean? You are both exhausted! A stay at home mom may have had a crying whiney toddler hanging off her all day, she doesn’t need one more clingy big baby. But do go to bed early and TOGETHER – lack of sleep is a huge mood killer… Oh, remember, men and women are different for how quickly we can be ‘in the mood’ for sex. Unlike us, women cannot, I repeat, cannot go from washing sippy cups and folding kids laundry to sex a minute later – so stop expecting that. It’s annoying and not sexy.
6. Turn up the “CHORE” PLAY! Before you start your foreplay ‘moves’ (or “move’ J) do things around the house to help. Feelings of appreciation will fly when dishwashers are unloaded and laundry is folded. Don’t expect a parade and knighthood when you do it once though dudes, she likely does it 15 times a week with no fireworks or skywriting. Just help out. Clean the kitchen, walk the dog, make school lunches, vacuum, whatever. It’s not about jumping through hoops, it’s about dividing and conquering. A clean house equals a clearer mind (a mind more open to connection and intimacy). A little more help around the house means a little less stress for her and a little more sex for you.
7. Speak her love language not yours. If you don’t know her language, then you are lost. Learn it now (email me for the test). If her language is words of affirmation, then leave sweet notes in the steam on the mirror. If her language is touch, then touch (duh) – hug, rub shoulders, sit beside her, be close. But if her language is quality time, your endless thoughtful gifts will continue to be strikeouts not homeruns, know what I mean?
8. Stay PLAYFUL and FUN. Sex is fun and should remain fun. Not a power play or done out of obligation. Send fun texts, emails, throughout the day. Send flowers for no reason. She needs to know that she is the centre of your world.
9. Kiss. Seriously. Kiss dammit. No more pecks on the cheek when parting. Increase your kiss duration by 2 seconds and email me the results when the sparks start flying (don’t’ send video). Passionate kisses can work wonders to reconnection.
10. Massage your partner with no expectations. Okay, this is a tough one. While easy on paper, in reality, once we get going, most guys will pray for some sort of happy ending so proceed with caution and clear intent. Start with her feet and remember soldier, your job here is to help ease tension and relax her (not you).
11. Spend time together as a family. Nothing turns a woman on more than an involved loving dad. Be present and try to be a part of all aspects of your kid’s lives. Dads that work long hours, albeit for the benefit of the family, may be missing the bigger picture. What are you really working for?
12. Sharpen the saw. This may be hard for you to hear and for that I am sorry but maybe your sex life is in the toilet because you are not very good at it? Learn how to be a better sexual partner. She might be just warming up and you are already asleep. If you are constantly striving to please your partner FIRST, you can’t lose! Face it, you can be better. There are many resources at your fingertips – books, adult stores, “educational” movies, PDFs etc. Be the change you want to see!
So there you go!! A can’t miss list for loving. You’re welcome!
Stop pointing fingers, keeping score, or playing the blame game. It’s YOU that can change. If you want loving, be loving. If you want intimacy, be intimate. You can be better. Look in the mirror and figure out what YOU can do to increase connection and intimacy. Once you reconnect, sex will result.
What tips am I missing? Please share what has worked for you in your relationship or more importantly your FRIENDSHIP!
Until next time my sexy friends…
Way to tackle a sticky subject!
Hey Sexy Grandma — yes, it is a topic that is not really ever talked about! Some say Sex is only 10% of a relationship until you are aren’t getting any, then its 90%!
Hey, Jeff. This is a fantastic list. There are only a few other pieces I would add from experience. Recently, having my hubby show me that he can ‘take it’ when I need to vent my frustrations about the day (and not take it personally), give me a little smile, and then a sincere, affectionate and understanding hug goes A LOOONNNNNGG WAY in setting up desire in the heart and mind of this exhausted mom! And all the little moments of connection make that date night not so daunting … sometimes I have forgotten what there is to talk about! We have had some brutal dates when too much time has gone without any connection at home.
Depression is also a very tough one to work through. Having the immense feeling of responsibility to raise these 4 little ones and considering ALL of their physical, nutritional, social, psychological needs EVERY DAY makes the ‘work’ in the bedroom seem like another chore – because physically there is little ‘in it’ for me. When my own mental state is healthier, (with the help of meds and a number of exercise opportunities during the week), when I don’t have to feel like I need to be great at everything, and when I remember that he is NOT, in fact, my enemy (exhaustion and depression are) I can release some of my perceived stress about our relationship and remember that he is my partner and friend and we are on the same team.
Hang on, men, because as the kids get potty trained and become a little more independent, things can get better, as long as you do not let resentment and contempt take over in your relationship. We can still be awesome friends, and that is what will help the sparks fly again!
My 2 cents for you. Take it or leave it, but it is my story. Things are better – and truly, we should be just a statistic by now!
Hey Mom of 4! Yes, you bring up some tremendous points! Being able to vent is critical — the ear to listen.
Sex as just another chore is a big reality for many couples… i love your line — he is NOT my enemy and HANG IN THERE!
Great job with this article and excellent points. Hopefully a lot of couples who read this will follow through and apply them in their daily lives.
I also hope couples will understand that the reason for lack of sex and intimacy in a marriage is because other marital and/or parenting issues have not been resolved.
Communication is essential in ironing out the differences. And don’t allow the differences to destroy the marriage. Not every difference needs to be resolved. And remember the resolution of conflict is more important than the resolution.
View communication and regulation of the conflict/differences with the other issues as foreplay.
Okay, now go ahead and have make-up sex!
Hey Hogan! you are a wise man! Yes, play nice! Resolution of marital issues is essential to harmony in your relationship as well as in the bedroom! communication as foreplay! That will be music to many ears!!! Thanks for the thoughts!