Let’s ease into this private question with a scene from the amazing Woody Allen movie “Annie Hall” – (the movie that beat Star Wars for Best Picture in 1977)…
Alvy’s psychiatrist: “How often do you sleep together?”
Annie’s analyst: “Do you have sex often?”
Alvy (lamenting): “Hardly ever, maybe three times a week!”
Annie (complaining): “Constantly, I’d say three times a week!”
So maybe it’s all in the eye of the beholder. Men and women are wonderfully different. Different people have different needs – but make no mistake. Sex is important to us all… (duh)
Happy, content and sexually satisfied parents tend to be better parents. Haha. I’m laughing as I type this. Of course we are! Did we really need a post graduate research project to figure that out? I would have loved to have been part of that study group (not on the “no-nookie”/cranky side though…)
Experts agree that it is natural for all couples to experience fluctuations (ebbs and flows – can I say that?) in their love making frequencies over time (none more drastic than after the birth of a new baby when hormones are fluctuating, and everyone is operating in ‘crisis’ mode).
What can you do to reconnect or stay connected? How can you carve out more “us” time? (which can lead to more ‘sexytime’). We, as dads, need sex – just as much as moms do.
Sex is the glue that holds a relationship together.
For simplicity sake in this article – I will just say SEX (so you know what I mean) but obviously ‘sex’ includes intimacy, physical touch, connection, kissing, hugging, and making sweet sweet love, wink wink nudge etc.)
Do you agree with the notion that women need to feel connected (mentally and physically) to their partner before sex can occur (intimacy FIRST then sexy time), while men need sex first to feel connected. True for your relationship? As with most generalizations, this may not be true for every couple.
But here is a newsflash all moms; Sex is more emotional for men than most women think. We can be sensitive creatures… please stop rolling your eyes!
Sex can be our main outlet to express intimacy. What other activity lets us be tender, manly, aggressive, AND vulnerable all in one session?
When sex is absent, a primary emotional outlet is taken away – then fears creep in; fear that we are not attractive, we don’t ‘do it for you anymore’, fear of rejection (the “soul destroying rejection”), concerns over performance, and our abilities to satisfy a partner… sound familiar?
As I have mentioned in articles before, women can get their emotional needs (heart-to-heart chats, self esteem boosts, and hugs), met through various people in their life aside from their partner; sisters, BFFs, mom etc.
For us dads, it’s YOU, our partner – our sole confidante. When we are cut off from you – both physically and emotionally – it is a much tougher day to day existence.
Are you a sexual score keeper? Keeping score of who initiated and/or who got rejected? The initiator sends out a ‘feeler’, gets rejected, resulting in coldness, distance, and silent treatment the following day(s) –“But I swear it’s not because of THAT!” – but it is. We all know it.
Are you stuck in a rut? Has sex become routine, predictable, and boring? Is one person ALWAYS initiating? Is there a mean temperamental gatekeeper to Sexytown?
So let’s talk. How often are you having sex? Please add your name and your frequency per week to the comments section below… Go ahead, I’ll wait…
What? That’s private??? None of my business? We can’t even talk about it? Okay, I’ll try and find out myself.
Here goes… according to “The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States,” a 1994 University of Chicago study considered the most comprehensive in the field:
• Almost 80% of married couples have sex a few times a month or more.
• 47% reported having sex a few times per month
• 32% reported having sex two to three times per week
Whew, are you “normal”? But come on, a study from 1994??? Can’t we get newer research on this important taboo subject?
Are you having sex once a week? Twice? Four times?
Are you having sex 8-10 times a week? If so, shut up, we don’t want to hear from you.
But does anyone really talk about the sex in their relationship? I know, as dudes, we don’t really talk about it with our buddies. If we do, we would just lie and brag anyways.
Do women talk to other women about frequency and quality? I don’t know, but for something so central and core to many relationships, we sure don’t give this fickle plant enough sunshine and water…
Here is the secret to great sex: TALK! It sounds so cliché to say, but communication really is the path to great sex. Do you and your partner honestly talk about needs, fantasies, and desires?
What is your partner’s love language? Do you speak it?
Do you strive to put their needs before yours?
I can’t and won’t sit here and prescribe what is best for your relationship or the number of times you should be intimate per week (sorry fellas). If you are both happy and content, then who am I to butt in? It’s none of my business.
But I do want to open up the discussion… Are you both REALLY happy and satisfied? Are you brave enough to share? Do you have the tools to talk about it?
There is a reason “50 Shades of Grey” has outsold Harry Potter as the fastest selling paperback of all time. These are sexy times my friends – are you both on board the love train?
What I can tell you is that moms and dads in your neighbourhood had wonderful sex last night and possibly more tonight.
They walk among us, the “sexually satisfied”, in the grocery store and on the school playground everyday – they are smiling, laughing and carefree. Please don’t hate them, learn from them.
Next week, I will share the best secrets I have found to get more sex and intimacy in your relationship… as I teaser, I will be talking about scarves, 50 Shades, the 10 o’clock shoulder tap, and fellas taking matters into our own hands (no, that’s not what I mean – well, not really).
The TAKEAWAY – If sex really is the glue in a relationship, please talk to and listen to your partner – honest communication can lead to more sex – both in quantity and quality.
Until next week!
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OK, I have my pen out for episode #2.
Ha Ha — thanks Hugh! I can’t promise results — but I can share what I have read and learned — it’s all about connection, time spent, and speaking the same language… the rest is up to you both!
C’mon week 2 !!!! 🙂
Good article. While I’ve read some articles about the importance of sex to couples I hadn’t consciously made the connection to improving parenthood, but it makes sense. Happy couples make better parents. I’m looking forward to reading the next installment.
Thanks for chiming in… yes — it could be seen as a bit of a stretch but I think couples that are happy, content, and with nothing but feelings of love for each other are better parents. Frustrated, resentful, and dejected is a tough place to parent from!
Enjoy part 2!